


Still Love

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Tag to 1x06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 16:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6964831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jamal's suicide and the moment between his father and the boy who loved him, Malaya thinks about her own history of love and of the silent love that some people do not speak of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Love

_Still Love_

 

Malaya remembered what it was like.

How could she not?

The dark-haired resident could see herself in Victor and the boy he loved.

The young boy, shot by his own hand because he was afraid that his father would be disappointed in him. The memory of the anger as the father shouted for Victor to go away.

Malaya knew that Victor would be in pain for a long time. It was painful to lose a loved one. Her heart clenched at the thought of Carla. There had been no painful words or tears shed when the then-intern had said goodbye to Carla and the steady four-year relationship that they had. Now, however… The first year resident bit her lip, trying not to think about the words she and Carla had shared. They stood on the rooftop, watching the sun, as if they were still together and nothing was between them. But she thought…

 _I still remember when we first met. I thought she was gorgeous, simply amazing._ Back then, Malaya had thought that nothing could tear them apart. People always thought that relationships would last forever. Or that their love could be returned.

Jamal had committed suicide, now only a number in the statistics collected about young people simply trying to figure out who they were. Even without looking at Victor’s tears, the first year resident could tell that the road to healing would be unforgiving. The young teen would blame himself, perhaps thinking over and over that it was his fault that the boy he had kissed was dead. In Malaya’s heart, she hoped that Victor and the father who loved they boy more than the world would come to an understanding.

Malaya hadn’t told her parents for a long time. The fear that young Jamal must have felt was a fear she had experienced as well. How many times as she not fallen asleep to the sound of her own mind wondering what would happen if she told her parents? People said that the discrimination against gays and lesbians was over now, stemming from the ultimate change in attitudes in the past decade and the legalization of marriage this past June. But those people didn’t know. There were still young teens on the street, their parents kicking them out after telling them the truth. It was still legal to fire someone after finding out they were gay. People were still harassed at work by a nameless someone because of their orientation. And five years ago… Malaya bit her lip. She remembered crying after hearing the news that five individual gay teens had committed suicide from bullying. There had been so much outrage and anger then, but did it truly solve anything? Jamal had done the same action as those five teens had done, and not from bullying. From the fear of disappointing his father.

Malaya remembered her first crush. It had been in third grade, and Malaya had always been nervous around the blond-haired girl who had such pretty gray eyes. She had, to her amusement now almost twenty years later, watched Lily as she played on the playground. The girl Malaya had been hadn’t even been able to speak to the other girl. But it was just as well. Malaya hadn’t told any of her crushes that she liked them. What if they rejected her, both as a one-sided crush and as a human being? Children, and teens especially, could be cruel. Malaya had been beyond happy when her parents accepted her as she was, and that she didn’t have any experience with bullying and harassment since she came out. Malaya didn’t shout it out to the world – but she was happy.

The legacy of rejection, despair, and hiding did not belong to her.

But, it haunted others. And with them, they paid the ultimate price.

Malaya wondered if – _no,_ she thought, steeling the fear before it could break free. _No. It won’t happen._ The image of Jamal, lying there diagnosed with brain death haunted her mind as she tried to not think about Carla in the same position. _I won’t lose her,_ Malaya thought.

_I won’t lose Carla. I don’t…want to experience the pain Victor is having now._

_I cannot, because I…still love her._


End file.
